Chapter 1: Thailand

“Hurry up,” I hear my sister, Kiara, call out to me.“The flight leaves in three hours.” I zip my packed suitcase shut with considerable effort and heave it down the stairs. This trip to Thailand is long overdue and after the nasty breakup with my ex, I am eager to explore the world with my sister. “I’m coming,” I drawl, pulling my luggage over the front step and down the driveway. We load our belongings into the car, and there is an uncomfortable silence between us. I listen to the roar of pavement and try to let my mind go blank for a moment. Kiara looks at me and rolls her eyes. “Listen, Kaia, I know that you are feeling down because of the breakup, ”Kiara says, bumping me with her elbow, “but you’re going to have to lose that gloomy attitude before the plane lands. “You’re going to bring down the vibes and scare away all the men.”I let out a dry laugh. “I’m just meditating,” I reply, though it feels like a lie. “The past is behind me. Do you think I’m going to waste this opportunity to meet a man abroad? I need this vacation. This is going to be fun.”

Kiara squeals in delight, and her smile is infectious. It melts a little of my apprehension; I know I’m okay with my twin sister by my side.

Still, the heartbreak of a recent breakup is painful. It doesn’t feel fair that he would break up with me right before this trip, knowing how devastated I would be. I had not anticipated how empty it leaves me feeling.

When we arrive at the airport, Kiara is an unstoppable force. She brute forces her way through the crowds with me in tow behind her. I am grateful for her boldness in moments like these. Something about crowds, about liminal spaces and queues, and the low thrum of machinery set me on edge.

As we got to our gate, Kiara began chit chatting with the other passengers waiting to board. She is always a social butterfly, flitting from person to person and sucking the nectar out of them. I don’t know how she can make friends so easily everywhere we go, and I hate to admit that sometimes I am jealous.

So despite what I’d told her in the car, I feel little excitement for this trip. In fact, I feel a growing dread in my stomach. When we got to our seats, I let Kiara take the aisle seat to keep up her conversation with the elderly couple she’d made friends with. I slide against the window, pressing my forehead against the glass. I feel hot tears prickle at the back of my eyes, so I quickly pull my headphones from my bag and close my eyes.

It feels like a mistake to fall asleep so early into an eleven-hour flight, but I cannot help it.

When I wake, the plane is landing, and Kiara is shaking my shoulder. She presses my luggage into my lap and attempts to pull me up to my feet.

“Did I sleep for the whole flight?” I asked, smoothing down my hair before I stood up.

“Yeah, sure did,” Kiara says. “You were out like a light. I kept checking to make sure you were still breathing.”

I give her a remorseful look, apologetic that she worries over me like this. As the older twin, I know she feels a sense of responsibility for me.

“Don’t worry,” she assures me as we deboard the plane. “I got some good sleep, too.”

We both pause; our luggage is hanging loosely in our fists when we exit the airport and absorb the sights before us. There is a magnificent beach to our left, the sands dulled by a dark, star-filled sky. I drink in the sight of it before my eye drifts to the green peninsula beyond, the thick foliage erupting from it like an explosion of springtime. From here, we can smell the crisp salt air and hear the roaring crests of ocean waves.

I have never seen anything so beautiful. It knocks the deflated spirit out of me, and a genuine smile forms on my lips.

“Let’s check out the night markets,” I say to Kiara. I feel refreshed after my long sleep, and I’m not ready to go to bed yet. The air in Thailand makes me feel alive, electric.

“Great idea,” she replies with a wicked grin. I know shopping is one of her vices, and I had done plenty of research on Phuket’s night markets before we bought plane tickets. She will have a good time tonight, and that thought lifts my mood.

We check into our hotel, spending only a moment to admire the view of the beach from our window. After we dump our luggage, we waste no time heading out onto the streets. They are thrumming with people, and the language, though unfamiliar to me, sounds lyrical and soothing. My heart feels lighter in my chest as we walk, and I breathe in this new tasting air. My darker thoughts are fading fast as my chest swells with the adventurous opportunities that await me now.

Kiara wastes no time in locating the market streets. They are brightly lit with strings of colorful bulbs and bright awnings. The bustling crowd is lively. Kiara blends right in with them, floating from kiosk to kiosk, eyeing the glittering trinkets with glee.

The curiosities do not catch my attention so much as the beautiful landscape beyond them. I have never seen water so clear and blue or such steep stone cliffs. They just so proudly into the sky, piercing it with their sharp silhouettes. I am fascinated by the beauty of it all, the serenity that lurks beneath the city’s glimmering façade.

Out of the corner of my eye, between the pathways of the bazaar and the grassy knoll that divided it from the beach, I caught sight of a firefly. Its slow blink draws me in, and the subtle yellow glow dims compared to the market’s bright lights. Yet somehow, it is more beautiful to me, more organic and magical.

I step into the grass to get a closer look. There are several of them flittering along with the tufts of grass, glittering softly in the dark. I reach my hands out to capture one and hold it in my hand. I think it looks kind of like a beetle up close, not as pretty when it is not lit up. I release it back into the air and turn back to the markets.

Kiara is nowhere in sight. A sharp, icy panic fills my chest. The last place I wanted to lose my sister was in a foreign country. We had left our cell phones at home because of the long-distance expense, and knowing that I have no way to contact her scares me.

I stumble back onto the pathway, my eyes darting around the crowd. I trip over my own feet as I scramble through the market stalls when I feel a firm hand latch around my arm to steady me. I compose myself and lookup.

“Are you alright?”

My breath catches in my throat when I look at his face. He is young and has a sparkling gaze, dark eyes framed by darker lashes. They are lowered as he passes his gaze over me. I notice the curious set of his sensual mouth, the way his expression seems to amplify his aristocratic features. He still holds onto my arm, though I have my balance now. His brows are knit together with concern, and I feel flustered under his scrutiny.

“I’m fine,” I say, though it sounds like a croak. “I just lost my sister.”

“Let me help you find her, then,” he offers. I am standing so near him that I have to crane my neck up to his impressive height. My vision is filled with broad shoulders and a solid chest. “What does your sister look like?”

I swallow the dryness in my throat. Men don’t usually make me nervous, but something about him sets me on edge.

“Like me,” I reply. “We’re twins. She’s wearing a red sundress.”

“A red sundress,” he murmurs. His voice is velvety and rich, so smooth I feel like I could drink it. “My name is Jude, by the way,” he continues. We begin to walk the path through the market, and I can see his gaze scanning the crowd when I gather the courage to glance over at him.

“Kaia,” I say.

He flicks his gaze to me with a devious smile that lights up my insides. “What a beautiful name,” he says. “Beauty just radiates from you, you know. Everything about you.”

The honeyed words catch me off guard, make my chest feel tight, like I cannot fill up my lungs with a full breath. “Beauty?” I ask. “Me?”

Jude nods. “Oh, yes,” he replies. “I watched you catching those fireflies. I think you have an adventurous spirit and an infectious smile.”

I blush and turn my face away from him.

“Pretty eyes, too,” he says, further adding to my humiliation.

I can tell from his accent that he is American like I am. I sense an adventurous spirit in him as well, and I’m excited by this dark, handsome stranger who is so good at flirting and so charmingly happy. It is exactly what I had hoped for on this trip, yet I am wary of him. He is, after all, a complete stranger to me.

“Where are you from, Jude?” I ask him, trying to regain a little control in this conversation.

“Michigan,” he replies quickly. “Small town. I’ve been traveling for many years now, exploring the world. It’s been a while since I’ve been home. I’m not sure Michigan is home anymore.”

I nod in understanding. I am jealous of his travels, but I am pleased that he gets to live out life’s adventures in this way.

“And where are you from, Miss Kaia?” he asks.

I give him a demure glace. “I’m from Nashville,” she says. I do not know why it embarrasses me, but it does.

Jude merely grins and gives me a knowing look. “I thought I detected a bit of a southern accent in your voice,” he teases.

I glare at him, though it bears no animosity. “I do not have an accent,” I say, but even I can hear the subtle twang as I make my assertion.

He laughs, and the sound is sultry and warm. I don’t want to linger on this topic, so I pluck up whatever boldness I can muster and begin to ask him questions.

“How long have you been traveling?” I ask. “And where have you been?”

“Nearly a decade,” he replied without missing a beat. “I started in my early twenties, backpacking in Europe. It was a surreal experience, and I knew I could never go back to a normal life in Michigan after all the places I’d seen.”

My heart is nearly bursting with jealousy, and I turn to face him, ready to confess my sin. I long for that kind of life, to be free to explore the world at my leisure. I feel a kindred spirit in him, and I want to soak in all he can tell me about his travels.

Before I can ask him more, he lifts his long, elegant finger and points down the pathway. “Is that your sister?” he asks. My gaze follows the trail of his finger to my sister twirling around in her red dress, dancing with a stranger in the street.

Something about the situation makes me blush again. There is a hot ball in my chest, and I do not know why my emotions are so erratic right now. Why do I feel so jealous of everyone around me?

“Yeah,” I say dryly. “That’s Kiara, alright.”

“I bet you two make quite a pair,” Jude says. “She looks like she’s having a good time.”

“Yeah,” I agree. I feel a sinking dread in my stomach. I want to have a good time. I don’t want to ruin my sister’s good time, clinging to her like a child this whole trip.

Jude seems to pick up on my souring mood, and when he reaches for my arm and grasps it, my body prickles with a wave of goosebumps.

“Listen,” he says, “I want to show you something. I think you’ll like it. You’re like me, right? You want to see the world? To find the hidden treasures in every place you go?”

I nod eagerly, but there is a genuine apprehension beneath it all. It sounds like something someone would say right before they trafficked me.

“Phuket is a beautiful city,” he explains, “but there is something extra special about this place. I can show you if you trust me.”

My gaze scours over him with reluctant scrutiny. He suddenly seems too good to be true, and I feel like a fool caught in a trap. Does he think I am stupid?

“Why would I need to trust you?” I ask.

“Because where we have to go can be sort of scary,” he explains. “I want you to know that I would never hurt you, and I would never let anything happen to you.”

Alarm bells are blaring in my mind. I glance back over at my sister and watch her lean close to the man she is dancing with. She is smiling, and I can see she is a little drunk. I cannot leave her alone, and I cannot go off alone with a strange man in a foreign country, no matter how tempted I am.

“I should stay with my sister,” I say, not without my regrets. Part of me feels like I am missing out on an insane opportunity, one I’m not likely to get again. But I must be safe about this. If Jude is so trustworthy, then he will understand.

We face each other, standing close in the grass, out of everyone’s way. I feel better with my sister in my line of sight. Seeing her put her hands on that man’s chest makes me want to put my hands on Jude’s.

“Fair enough,” he says, his voice low. “I want to see you again, Kaia. I will be in Phuket for a few more days. I want to take you on a date.”

He is so close I feel his warm breath on my face. He smells like peppermint and the musky scent of undefined masculinity. I lean closer toward his chest, feeling compelled to lay my head on it. It is a powerful magnet, one I am powerless to resist. When I feel the solid weight of his arm come to rest atop my shoulders, I sink against him. His body is firm against mine as he locks me into a tender embrace. It is a strangely intimate moment with a man whose last name I don’t even know.

“Tomorrow,” I say, though I don’t want to let go of him right now. “I’ll meet you back here in the bazaar.”

He hums his approval, and the sound reverberates in my chest, plunges my heart into a pool of heat. “Tomorrow night,” he agrees.

I extract myself from the tangle of his arms, letting the brief touches of our skin linger as I release him and take a step back. “Thank you for helping me find my sister,” I say.

“You’re welcome, Kaia,” he says with a soft grin.

Before my nerves cause a full-blown panic attack, I wave goodbye to him and rush back over to my sister.

Later that night, my sister and I sat in our hotel room to unwind after a long day. We are both weary to our bones after the flight and the long night out. Even though the sun is beginning to peek up over the horizon, sending sparkling light cascading over the white beach, we are just going to bed.

Kiara gushes about the man she was dancing with. Though he was a local, which created a barrier between them, Kiara was adamant that they shared a deep connection. I can only roll my eyes as she lists off the physical attributes of him she finds attractive, but I am grateful that I can keep silent while she speaks. She is a hopeless romantic, and I think I may be too. The only difference is that Kiara lacks my anxieties, and is always willing to put herself out there in the name of love.

Thinking of my past relationship, I cannot help but feel like it had been a waste of my time. It was a monotonous time for me, going back and forth to my office job, weeknight dinners at his apartment, weekends at his mother’s house. Why am I so devastated over a relationship like that? When was the last time anyone made me feel the way Jude had tonight?

I cannot keep my mind from drifting back to Jude. The more I think of him, the more eager I am for our date tomorrow. It is a thrilling juxtaposition of fear and anticipation. I am hopeful that he is the trustworthy man he claims to be. I want so badly for him to be.

Yet, it still feels too good to be true.

“Who was that man I saw you with tonight?” Kiara asks me. She is unpacking her suitcase, and her back is turned to me. I know she is trying to display disinterest, but she knows me well. I am not the type to cozy up to strangers.

“Just a guy I met,” I responded. “He helped me when I got lost. We’re going on a date tomorrow night.”

Kiara’s face cannot look more cartoonishly shocked. “Well, you sure didn’t waste any time, did you?” she teases. “He’s pretty cute. Name?”

“Jude,” I reply. Her teasing is making my cheeks feel warm. I hate that about myself that my shame seems to run so deep all the time. What exactly do I have to be embarrassed about?

“Jude?” she says dramatically. “What a name. He’s not a local, is he? Too tall, dark, and handsome.”

I shake my head. “He’s originally from Michigan, but he’s a traveler.”

“How interesting,” Kiara says. I can sense her growing suspicion. “You’re going to be careful, aren’t you?” she asks. “You’ll stay in a public place?”

“Of course,” I replied testily. “I’ll be safe.”

“Well, fine then,” she says, but I know she is happy for me. “I guess I’ll find something else to occupy my time while you’re out having fun without me.”

I smile at her. Kiara has never had a hard time making her own fun.

I wore a white sundress that night to meet with Jude. I love the way it contrasts against my skin, makes my eyes pop. I spend a while making sure my dark curls sit just so atop my head and lining my eyes with dark kohl. Primping is not a skill I am proficient in, but I am pleased with how I look when I head back out into the market. I feel pretty, my dress swishing as I pass the colorful stalls.

Jude is standing near the grass where I had first met him, his silhouette stark against the dark orange sky. I come closer, twisting my fingers together nervously. He is more handsome than I remembered, his elegance radiating from his posture. He smiles when he sees me, and my heart does somersaults in my chest.

“Lovely,” he says, his eyes taking over me. “Beautiful girl in a beautiful dress.”

I try to hide my face to keep him from seeing how his silly words make my cheeks turn to flame. He is not having it. He grabs me by the shoulders and lowers his face so that it is a scant inch away from mine. For a second, I want to close the gap between us and kiss him, but he wears a serious expression on his face.

“You blush a lot,” he says. “It’s kind of cute, but I’d like to know why.”

“I can’t control it,” I say, and this seems to amuse him. He laughs and links his fingers through mine. His hand is solid and warm against mine, and I cling tightly to it as he leads me through the bazaar.

The night air has a warm breeze on it, and the sunset over the beach casts orange and purple shadows into the water. There is a smattering of stars overhead, just starting to twinkle with the promise of a beautiful evening. I’m entranced by the feeling of this beautiful city, the beach, the glorious sky, and the tall man who guides me through it all.

He takes us past the market stalls, past the troughs of fried foods and towers of glinting jewelry until we are nearing the empty, wild side of the beach. The sands are rockier here, and a thick line of trees divides it from the populated area. When Jude steps up to the tree line and motions for me to join him, I take a hesitant step back.

“Jude, are you serious?” I ask. “I’m not going into the wilderness alone with you. I thought you were going to take me on a nice date. You know, dinner? A long walk on the beach? Maybe a margarita or two?”

My refusal does not perturb him, but I see the worry evident on his face. Either he is a good actor or cares that I don’t feel comfortable with this.

“No harm will come to you tonight, Kaia,” he says solemnly. “I will make sure of that. There is nothing dangerous out here, except maybe the possibility that you will fall in love with me.”

I cannot help the derisive snort that erupts from me. I am intrigued by his confidence and wonder how many other women have fallen in love with his smoldering eyes and dark curls. Perhaps I am not the only woman he has led into the feral beaches of Phuket.

“It’s just that what I want to show you is not for the faint of heart,” he says. He lingers near the trees, his body poised to take either direction. “Romantically, I mean,” he continues. “I think anyone would fall in love in these conditions.”

I eye him warily, unsure I understand his meaning. “Tell me where you are taking me,” I demand. If this is some kind of ruse to lure me into danger, then he better have a good lie prepared. I am not a fool.

“There’s a grove just beyond these trees,” he explains. “This time of year in Thailand, fireflies are rampant. Unlike in the States, these fireflies are special. They’re synchronized. It’s like a light show. Like slow fireworks. Don’t you want to see?”

It is not the answer I had expected, and I think back to when I had gotten lost chasing a firefly of all things. Perhaps he is using something he knows I like to draw me into his trap, and I know I can’t trust him to take me somewhere alone.

But I still want to see the fireflies, if they really exist. I still want to go on an actual date with Jude and enjoy his company.

“I do want to see,” I confess, “but I’m scared.”

Jude acknowledges this with a sad nod of his head. “Well, I can’t blame you for that,” he says. “Women have to be careful. How about this?” He pulled his cellphone from his pocket and extended it to me. Cautiously, I step closer and take it. “You hang onto my cell phone,” he says. “That way, you can call for help if you need to.”

I look down at the phone in my hand. It’s an older model phone, well-worn over the years, smudged with his fingerprints. I tap the screen, and it lights up. The background is a picture of a waterfall, and though I am far from an expert in photography, I can tell that it is the kind of amateur photograph he had taken himself. This weird little nugget endears him to me, and even though my entire body is screaming at me, convinced of the mistake I’m about to make, I step forward and join him near the trees.

“Okay,” I say. “Show me the fireflies.”

Jude smiles in relief and places his hand on the small of my back to guide me through the thick foliage. I feel the warmth of his hand through my thin sundress as it spreads across my lower back.

The sky is growing ever darker as we make our way through the trees. The canopy of leaves above dapples what sunlight is left, casting us in a cool shadow. The air is fragrant in the sandy woods, smokey and sweet as the scents waft from the bazaar. Twigs snap underfoot as we walk deeper into the trees.

My eyes are glued to the back of Jude’s head, watching his posture for any sign of an attack. Though I am eager and hopeful, I am still suspicious of him. He shows no sign of any nefarious business; he merely checks over his shoulder every now and then to make sure I’m doing okay.

When we came to the clearing he spoke of, I halted in my tracks. We are standing in a grove of the greenest trees I’ve ever seen, towering above us to create glimmering shadows in the grass. The trees are sparse here, and so there is a lot of space for brightly colored flowers to grow, to reach toward our ankles as we sweep past. In the center of it all is a swirling mass of lights.

They glow brightly in contrast to the darkened wood, a glowing cloud that pulses as if it is a single living, breathing entity instead of thousands of fireflies. They make circles and flips in the air, cresting like waves on the ocean without crashing. They are fluid and smooth, blinking in synchronized patterns like fireworks, just as Jude had said.

“Wow,” breathe, transfixed on sight.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” he asks. “Though not half as beautiful as you are.”

I give him a sharp glance. He wants me to fall in love with him, but I wonder if he wants to fall in love with me. We are strangers, each of us from different towns. We can have this beautiful moment together, stolen away in the wooded beaches of Phuket. But what will we have after? Will I ever see him again after tonight?

He stands close to me, his arm brushing gently against mine. I sense his intent and turn to face him. The glow of the fireflies makes light dance across the shadows of his face, and his eyes glimmer like they are made of fire.

“The fireflies remind me of you,” he says, taking a step even closer. Our bodies have almost no space between them, and I feel the chugging of my heart as it struggles to pump blood to my extremities. 

“How do they remind you of me?” I ask breathlessly. I feel a warm bubble swelling in my chest, threatening to burst.

Jude’s mouth twitches into a coy smile, and he leans his face down until our lips are almost touching but not quite. My heart hammers, blood roaring in my ears.

“Because you are a beautiful glimmering light,” he says with a voice low and silky. “You are like a wild firefly, and I want to catch you in my palm.”

I think it is a silly thing for him to say, but his earnestness is overwhelming. There is that magnetic pull again, a ferocious and powerful feeling that compels me to press my lips to his. He returns the kiss eagerly, his hands flying to frame my face. His fingers are gentle as they tangle into my hair, holding me against him.

He tastes like peppermint too, sweet and delicious on my tongue. He clings to me like he is trying to wring every last ounce of serotonin from this kiss. Our chests are pressed flush together, and he is holding me on my tiptoes, my neck swanned back to give him better access. I have never known a feeling like this, overloading all the nerves in my body. His touch feels like fire against my skin, and I cannot get enough of him.

Fireflies still glimmer around us, some getting closer, breaking from the pack to form spiraling tendrils around us. I break away from our kiss and laugh with delight as they trail swift lines in the air, blinking like stars in the night.

“Are you falling in love with me yet?” he asks, his breath short now.

I smile at him, a genuine smile. This is exactly what I had been looking for on this vacation. I don’t know if I am falling in love with him, but I know that I feel a swell of affection for him, that I want to have more nights like this with him, a little dangerous, a little sultry. 

“Not yet,” I say teasingly. “I think we need a few more dates first.”

“Don’t worry,” he says and leans down to press a tender kiss on my forehead. “We have all the time in the world.”